This video made me cry! My. Beautiful daughter showed it to me. What makes it more special is that she is inspired by it after facing bullying last year that was serious enough for me to take every step possible with the school, when it continued, I pulled her out of school… I love that rather than getting down, she is so proud of her uniqueness and individuality…. I have such A wonderful daughter!!!!!
I thought it was over….my marriage I mean. He filed for divorce and it has been a little over a year since we have had a decent conversation.
He never let go though, never let enough time pass that talking would be awkward. It didn’t matter if he knew my words would be unkind….he had hurt me and he knew it. I thought his phone calls were games. Aimed to hurt me, and oh how they did. Arrows aimed at my heart and they hit the mark every time.
He thinks I had so many other men because I chose male friends, and even tried to move on….but all of these people got a whole lot more than they bargained for….a lot of tears, and a lot of talk about my ex. Yet they were good people….God gave me good people to see me through this time and I’m grateful….forever and ever grateful to each and every one of them for every tear they helped dry. Every smile they dragged out of me. Every joke they told just to get me to laugh. Every I love you to let me know I wasn’t worthless, and every arm that was around me in my time of deep grief.
I really thought I’d never be with him again despite the calls. He was very clear….he loved the woman he cheated on me with. He didn’t love me anymore. It had seemed so easy for him to move on and I wondered if his heart hurt at all?
We promised each other forever…yet he seemed to have forgotten what forever meant. What marriage vows meant. And so my divorce was final. And three days later, he told me he wanted to try again.
I thought it was a sick joke. I was astounded. I didn’t know what to say. What to do?
It hasn’t been easy since that day he let me know that he still loved me. But we’ve come to terms with the fact that our feelings have not changed and we are, in fact, still in love. It’s a shame that our marriage was the cost for distrust, and two people who loved each other so much they just couldn’t wait until they were really ready to take that step….if we had, perhaps we’d still be married. But what is a piece of paper and a ring? At least I still have the wonderful man I love, and we are learning to trust each other again….and we are becoming closer and stronger than ever. And I love him. Yes I love him. So very much I love him. And I always will.
Luther Vandross sings the beautiful I’d Rather and I thought it fitting for today. My ex and I though recently divorced have never stopped loving each other.. Slowly we have worked our way back to each other.. Many things I have asked that he has been unable to answer and words I have desperately needed to hear that he would not say our if desire not to mislead me and or see either of us hurt again.
But now, we are enjoying each other again the way two people who love each other are supposed to.
I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us. whatever it is I know it’s special. because we share a bond that we only bring out in each other. and that’s a special kind of love one that I never want to lose.
I have spent years trying so hard to make a difference in people’s lives, and as I look back on the memories of my life and the things that I have done, I realize I have. Sometimes through my work, sometimes in a much deeper and more personal way. I don’t know why some people connected with me on deeper levels while others stayed just a memory…what I do know is that God has given me a gift. A truly wonderful gift. And while there are some, even those closest to me, who might question my choices, even my choice of a career, I’ve never for a second doubted myself or my abilities to touch the lives of those around me.
Today I got to hear a story. A story that no one else has heard the entire truth of. I ask myself often when people confide in me…why me? Sometimes people say it’s because I listen, other times because I understand more than most people. Sometimes it’s because I’m easy to talk to. Ultimately I know it’s because God gave me a talent to nurture. I’ve been a nurturer my entire life, and I never knew what to make of it because it is a gift and a curse, one that allowed others to heal, yet usually left me hurt when the baby birds were healed and flew away.
I have a daughter. One daughter. And I’ve always lamented over the fact that I wanted more children. A son in particular. It’s come the time now that my daughter is taking a slight interest in boys, and the boy who likes her right now texts me and talks to me and I don’t mind a bit. I like to get to know the people that my daughter is befriending…but my heart just did a million and one flips when he asked if he could call me mom.
And I realized that I remember why I love to help other people so much. There are so many people in this world with good parents and without who just ache for good influences in their lives. They try so hard not to follow the negativity and somehow this world has taken a perspective that children are to be seen and not heard. Children are stifled in this world by parents that are overly strict and always telling them to sit down and shut up. It’s a joke I’ve made often…I spent the first year of her life begging her to speak and the past twelve begging her to be quiet…and that is an untruth, I love speaking to and listening to Cheyenne talk, but that is not true of all parents.
We as parents spend so much time being “shocked” by our kids behavior and trying to find new ways of making them behave that we have forgotten we were once young too. And that maybe….just maybe if our own parents had listened to us, yes taught us respect, discipline and responsibility and every other thing you want and need to teach your child, but really listened….and taken some time to remember that you were there once too….maybe we would actually save our kids from the evils that they dabble in trying to get our attention.
And that is just my two cents…It may not be a popular view but it’s mine and I’m proud to be someone that can be there for others, and can be a “mom” to more than just my own kid. After all I’ve been raising people since I still needed raising myself, and I hope I don’t ever have to stop.
I’m sitting here thinking back on a couple of conversations I have had over time. Parole… Something you would think any incarcerated man or woman who has served their time, not caused problems, and even gone above and beyond to better themselves… And believe me not all do… Now you would think parole would be easy to get. After all, as I stated in my last post, prison is the punishment…. It is not where one goes to be punished. But think about this. Not only are most inmates further punished, they are kept well beyond when they should be and the parole board’s reasoning never fails to fall back to the severity if the crime.. In effect creating a situation of double jeopardy. An individual is given their prison sentence based on the severity of their crime. How is it logical to continue to hold and re-punish someone on something that never changes? The severity if the crime will never change but the person who committed the crime can.. Society need only give those who have shown the initiative and desire for a better life a chance.
Every day, I talk to Cortez, the man whom I represent by writing this blog, and I am so excited to be able to tell him tomorrow that I got this started. Why a blog? There are so many misconceptions out there about what prison is, who inmates are and how and why they got where they are.
I have been on all sides of the system. I have been an intern, an employee, I’ve been in the shoes of a corrections officer doing straight security and I’ve done counseling…much more counseling. And then the script got flipped and I became the loved one of someone who was behind the walls….then it was a couple of people, and now I have quite a few people behind the walls that I love very dearly.
What we hope that you will take away from my writings is first, having gotten know someone you wouldn’t have otherwise. Second you will learn something about the prison system that will perhaps open your mind and your heart to what those who are incarcerated need the most, a second chance, even if that just means having people in this world that believe in them.
I was told very early on in this journey that I would run into two types of people…those who were interested in really interested in changing their lives and those who would come ou just a smarter criminal. Their is a difference and you can tell. Those who have spent the time improving their lives and trying to make a difference so they will never have to go back again.
We as a society need to make that possible for them, not lump everyone into one category and make assumptions about who people are and what they could and might do in the future.
The truth of the matter is…we are all capable of making mistakes. Do you want to be persecuted for the rest of your life for yours? Prison IS the punishment. Once released the debt to society is paid, and we owe people a chance to get back on their feet, otherwise recidivism is our own fault.