And I love him…

I thought it was over….my marriage I mean. He filed for divorce and it has been a little over a year since we have had a decent conversation.

He never let go though, never let enough time pass that talking would be awkward. It didn’t matter if he knew my words would be unkind….he had hurt me and he knew it. I thought his phone calls were games. Aimed to hurt me, and oh how they did. Arrows aimed at my heart and they hit the mark every time.

He thinks I had so many other men because I chose male friends, and even tried to move on….but all of these people got a whole lot more than they bargained for….a lot of tears, and a lot of talk about my ex. Yet they were good people….God gave me good people to see me through this time and I’m grateful….forever and ever grateful to each and every one of them for every tear they helped dry. Every smile they dragged out of me. Every joke they told just to get me to laugh. Every I love you to let me know I wasn’t worthless, and every arm that was around me in my time of deep grief.

I really thought I’d never be with him again despite the calls. He was very clear….he loved the woman he cheated on me with. He didn’t love me anymore. It had seemed so easy for him to move on and I wondered if his heart hurt at all?

We promised each other forever…yet he seemed to have forgotten what forever meant. What marriage vows meant. And so my divorce was final. And three days later, he told me he wanted to try again.

I thought it was a sick joke. I was astounded. I didn’t know what to say. What to do?

It hasn’t been easy since that day he let me know that he still loved me. But we’ve come to terms with the fact that our feelings have not changed and we are, in fact, still in love. It’s a shame that our marriage was the cost for distrust, and two people who loved each other so much they just couldn’t wait until they were really ready to take that step….if we had, perhaps we’d still be married. But what is a piece of paper and a ring? At least I still have the wonderful man I love, and we are learning to trust each other again….and we are becoming closer and stronger than ever.  And I love him. Yes I love him. So very much I love him. And I always will.


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