Tag Archive | feelings

And I love him…

I thought it was over….my marriage I mean. He filed for divorce and it has been a little over a year since we have had a decent conversation.

He never let go though, never let enough time pass that talking would be awkward. It didn’t matter if he knew my words would be unkind….he had hurt me and he knew it. I thought his phone calls were games. Aimed to hurt me, and oh how they did. Arrows aimed at my heart and they hit the mark every time.

He thinks I had so many other men because I chose male friends, and even tried to move on….but all of these people got a whole lot more than they bargained for….a lot of tears, and a lot of talk about my ex. Yet they were good people….God gave me good people to see me through this time and I’m grateful….forever and ever grateful to each and every one of them for every tear they helped dry. Every smile they dragged out of me. Every joke they told just to get me to laugh. Every I love you to let me know I wasn’t worthless, and every arm that was around me in my time of deep grief.

I really thought I’d never be with him again despite the calls. He was very clear….he loved the woman he cheated on me with. He didn’t love me anymore. It had seemed so easy for him to move on and I wondered if his heart hurt at all?

We promised each other forever…yet he seemed to have forgotten what forever meant. What marriage vows meant. And so my divorce was final. And three days later, he told me he wanted to try again.

I thought it was a sick joke. I was astounded. I didn’t know what to say. What to do?

It hasn’t been easy since that day he let me know that he still loved me. But we’ve come to terms with the fact that our feelings have not changed and we are, in fact, still in love. It’s a shame that our marriage was the cost for distrust, and two people who loved each other so much they just couldn’t wait until they were really ready to take that step….if we had, perhaps we’d still be married. But what is a piece of paper and a ring? At least I still have the wonderful man I love, and we are learning to trust each other again….and we are becoming closer and stronger than ever.  And I love him. Yes I love him. So very much I love him. And I always will.

Can I call you mom?

I have spent years trying so hard to make a difference in people’s lives, and as I look back on the memories of my life and the things that I have done, I realize I have. Sometimes through my work, sometimes in a much deeper and more personal way. I don’t know why some people connected with me on deeper levels while others stayed just a memory…what I do know is that God has given me a gift. A truly wonderful gift. And while there are some, even those closest to me, who might question my choices, even my choice of a career, I’ve never for a second doubted myself or my abilities to touch the lives of those around me.

Today I got to hear a story. A story that no one else has heard the entire truth of. I ask myself often when people confide in me…why me? Sometimes people say it’s because I listen, other times because I understand more than most people. Sometimes it’s because I’m easy to talk to. Ultimately I know it’s because God gave me a talent to nurture. I’ve been a nurturer my entire life, and I never knew what to make of it because it is a gift and a curse, one that allowed others to heal, yet usually left me hurt when the baby birds were healed and flew away.

I have a daughter. One daughter. And I’ve always lamented over the fact that I wanted more children. A son in particular. It’s come the time now that my daughter is taking a slight interest in boys, and the boy who likes her right now texts me and talks to me and I don’t mind a bit. I like to get to know the people that my daughter is befriending…but my heart just did a million and one flips when he asked if he could call me mom.

And I realized that I remember why I love to help other people so much. There are so many people in this world with good parents and without who just ache for good influences in their lives. They try so hard not to follow the negativity and somehow this world has taken a perspective that children are to be seen and not heard. Children are stifled in this world by parents that are overly strict and always telling them to sit down and shut up. It’s a joke I’ve made often…I spent the first year of her life begging her to speak and the past twelve begging her to be quiet…and that is an untruth, I love speaking to and listening to Cheyenne talk, but that is not true of all parents.

We as parents spend so much time being “shocked” by our kids behavior and trying to find new ways of making them behave that we have forgotten we were once young too. And that maybe….just maybe if our own parents had listened to us, yes taught us respect, discipline and responsibility and every other thing you want and need to teach your child, but really listened….and taken some time to remember that you were there once too….maybe we would actually save our kids from the evils that they dabble in trying to get our attention.

And that is just my two cents…It may not be a popular view but it’s mine and I’m proud to be someone that can be there for others, and can be a “mom” to more than just my own kid. After all I’ve been raising people since I still needed raising myself, and I hope I don’t ever have to stop.